i’ve looked for you everywhere i’ve gone. i never expected to lose you at any point. but things changed when you didn’t follow me after the first move. a new environment—a new home is where you never seem to be. no one seems to know what they have until it’s stripped from them. i should’ve appreciated you more, and i am so sorry. i was too young to know how valuable you were. i’m so very sorry.

leaving you behind wasn’t my choice at all. if i had stayed, i would’ve grown to know and appreciate you. trust me. but it was out of my control. i was off to live 40 minutes away, and my naivety had me believing you were in the u-haul with my boxes and bags. i never knew life without you, why would that change?

but you didn’t jump out when i unpacked. i searched for you in this strange place. almost immediately, i thought i had found you again. i was deceived. i learned you had mimics, imitators, copycats. none of them felt how you felt: warm and invisible. i became acquainted with “fitting in” and “assimilation”, neglecting parts of myself in the process. i did things to try to prove that i had you—things i never would’ve needed if you were really there. i spent years going from group to group, not once finding you, and pushing parts of myself aside. i justified it and tricked myself by saying “i just belong everywhere”. why’d you abandon me?

then it came time to move again. i thought it would be much the same. i became accustomed to what i had been put through. it was just what i needed to do. ignore self, embrace herd. even with that cycling through my mind, i felt relieved to leave this time. contrarily, hope reared its beautiful head through my attempts to conceal it. but circumstances almost lead to me losing it again. i made my own strange entrance into this strange place. was never good with first impressions. i thought i would never again have you the way i once did. i fell back into my routine, leaving behind parts of myself when it was convenient, attempting to morph when i felt it was needed. but it showed. perhaps unnoticeable to anyone but myself. i was having a hard time being me. 

something was different this time. shape-shifting didn’t seem to have the same effect as it had previously. it seemed to be to my detriment. with no other option, i slowly began to pick my true self up again. i didn’t even notice when it happened. i didn’t even notice when i found you again. i felt the joy of knowing i was meant to be here, a joy i hadn’t felt in years. things felt simpler. 

i never lost you. i was looking for you in place you simply didn’t exist. you’re meant to be where i’m meant to be. i’m old enough now to love and appreciate you like you deserve. thank you for finding me again.